Things I learned from quitting my engineering job
Pursuing creative paths with an open mind
“I am the architect of my own self, my own character and destiny. It is no use whingeing about what I might have been, I am the things I have done and nothing more” — Jean Paul Sartre
I was sitting in the corner by the window, staring at a twenty inch size monitor containing an abstract figure of a transfer tower structure I built for an hour. Beside my keyboard occupied three empty coffee mugs and a novel by Sartre’s the age of reason. It was a cold rainy Wednesday afternoon and the air-conditioning at the office only made the coldness worse. I wrapped myself in an oversized jacket.
As each drop of rain falls from the sky, dancing through the window so high. I thought to myself, was this the life I imagined myself to have? Working on a job I have no passion in? I could leave this job and get replaced like a drop of rain. For over 3 years, I have been battling myself whether to continue or quit my job as an engineer. I wasn’t sure if my feelings were real. Sometimes feelings can be fleeting that can lack truth. Feelings can be deceptive. I had to be sure if my feelings were based on reason or inclination. I decided to give it another time with trance like determination.
Spring came and my feelings grew like wildfire in a forest. Each time I enter the building, restlessness and malaise slowly crept towards me. My inclination became clearer. I sat on my chair, opened my computer, and started writing a resignation letter. As I began typing, each letter became heavy. Word by word ended with harsh finality. Thoughts became blur and I couldn’t muster all the words. Regrets and fears surge within me and felt its animosity. I faced my fear.
It has been two weeks since quitting my job and I have learned radical things in the process. These are the things I have learned in the journey.
- Finding support in yourself
My parents were the first people to know. Instead of understanding and supporting me, they started judging me. It’s easy to lose confidence in yourself and question your actions, especially when the most important people in your life are not there to hold you. I saw the parts of my family that I never knew existed. They saw me for what I should have been instead of what I am. I felt alone. I felt ashamed.
When all else fails, we need to be our own support and our own friend. Build a foundation for yourself. Fears and doubts are always going to follow you like a silhouette, showing itself in your darkest moments. Embrace them.
2. Losing connection towards society
Freedom is your friend when unemployed but it can also be your enemy. I wake up everyday figuring out the next step for my career with great passion. But, just like anything else, passion and enthusiasm dissipates like a battery that needs charging. I see people in suits, dresses, and ties rushing to get to work. While I was eating by the window holding a fork. Senses of envy and longing surge through me. All in all, I felt so tiny. I felt disconnected and left behind. It’s as if I no longer exist in the realm of working society.
It’s ok to be disconnected and to be left out. In our most vulnerable moments, we can find beauty and opportunity. A transcendence or calling.
3. Enjoying the journey
Doubts and fears were always with me. Sometimes I question myself if the right decisions were made. While the future is uncertain, it’s being honest with myself rather than what society stored for me is what matters. I may not live life in financial and emotional security but one thing is for sure, I was true to myself. I made the decision for my own happiness and not what others tell me. That in itself is a reward. I am learning to enjoy the process and the journey.
The road less travelled can be scary sometimes. There are risks and no guarantees. While the road can be overwhelming, the journey can also be fulfilling. We will never find the joy in success if we don’t enjoy the journey, the up’s and down’s, the sorrows and the laughters.
